Cheeky History

Cheeky History is now on it's own blog site! We're excited to see where it goes. Please use the link to see new entries everyday.



2/14/12


On this day in the year 278 A.D. (give or take a few years) the head gang-banger of a rather large street gang called the "Roman Empire" (usually just called the Romans for short) was having a bad day and decided to take it out on one of the other gang members. His street name was "Claudius the Cruel" but the formal name on his chariot licence read -  Emperor Claudius II.

It seems that ole Claude was hacked off because he couldn't get enough soldiers to fight the turf wars because they were hangin' with their baby mommas too much and had even decided to (perish the the thought) get married. That didn't bode well for the health of the 'hood so he decided to make a rule that no one could get married  or even "hook up" anymore.

One wise guy though, a certain homie called "Val" (his given name was Valentine), was looking for some street cred and decided to hook people up on his own time, in secret, in his own crib.

So after Claude found out he called one of his lieutenants, a dude named the "Prefect of Rome" and had him order a hit on Val. The Prefect told the other homies to beat Val with clubs and then cut his head off. (Even back then, a lot of the same stuff that happens in Mexico nowadays was fashionable.) Rumor has it that Val asked if he could have the beatin' after the beheading, but no word on whether he got that last wish.

The hit took place, Val's spirit joined up with a heavenly group called the Saints, and that's why we all give each other heart shaped objects and chocolate that are roughly the same shape as the picture of Claudius's head shown above.

1651 years later, a different gangster named Al, had a bunch of other homies machine gunned to death to commemorate the occasion. But at least he didn't have their heads cut off because their brains were already splattered on a garage wall on the north side of Chicago.

Have a chocolate.

2/13/12

On this day (-1) in 1999, the biggest example of jury nullification in an important trial against a guilty defendant was witnessed when a jury of his peers decided on a not guilty verdict. No, it wasn't the famous OJ Simpson trial. It was the nationally televised trial of a perp with the street name of "Slick Willie."

With a 2/3 majority of the jury needed to find Willie guilty of lying under oath about being the recipient of multiple "Lewinskys" while in his oval shaped office, the prosecution failed to convict. Unlike other defendants who have been found guilty of receiving lots of "Ben Franklins" they weren't supposed to be getting from people who weren't supposed to be giving 'em, he got off Scot-free. Today he is the elder statesman of a political party and the toast of the town. 


The picture above shows the parties to the payoff in the office where the crime occurred.


2/12/12

In 1809 on this day a man evolved from a monkey and entered into this world.  His parents named him Charlie. In adulthood, Mr. and Mrs. Darwin's bouncing boy went on to have a theory about how animals got to be the way they are and it changed the world. Along the way his theory pissed off a lot of religious people and a controversy started that continues to this day. He got so famous they named an award after him.


I'm in the minority opinion (again) because I could never understand what all the fuss was about. It always seemed to me that if a guy was powerful enough to create all the heavens and everything in them, he probably could fashion the method of creating new species in any manner that caught his fancy.


Oh yeah, and Abraham Lincoln was born on this day too. And so was a dancer named Anna Pavlova, whose dog couldn't stop drooling whenever she busted a move. Oops! The dog actually belonged to some guy with a similar name. My bad.



2/11/12

On this day (-1)  in 1897, The familiar slogan "All the News That's Fit to Print" first appeared on page one of the New York Times. It had first appeared on the editorial page on October 25, 1896. Although in 1896 a $100 prize was offered for a slogan, owner Adolph S. Ochs concluded that his own slogan was best.

In recent years the Times has changed quite a bit from that lofty goal. I propose that they change the slogan to "All the spin that's fit to foist." Think they will give me $100 for the idea?

2/10/12

On this day in 1996, the best chess player in the world, Gary Kasparov, had a chess match with a computer program. He lost. It wasn't much of a contest, it only took 32 moves. The program was called "Big Blue" and it was built by IBM. More recently the best general knowledge guy in the history of TV, Ken Jennings, was soundly defeated by a computer program of the same name on the long running TV game show, Jeopardy.

It may be time to replace Ben Bernanke and the geniuses at the Federal Reserve with a similar program to control the money supply. No matter how smart Ben or his successor may be, if the goal is to provide a stable currency with which we can reliably plan our lives, a simple computer program can do it better.

2/9/12

On this day in 1773 President William Henry Harrison was born. His VP John Tyler became President when he died a month later. Believe it or not, John Tyler has two grandsons still living. (You do the math, but it's true)

BTW, his grandson (84) doesn't care much about politics, but he is against Newt Gingrich's candidacy because of his three different wives.

2/8/12

My mother used to tell us we were descended from Mary Queen of Scots. Poor Mary lost her mind on this day in 1587. And the rest of her head too.

Note to busybodies and other royal pain in the asses; Ole Mary just couldn't mind her own business.












Sources: The historical information found on this page is gathered from different sources, including but not limited to, 2012 Chase's Calendar of Events, The History Channel, and "Cashin's Comments" daily market letter.